Goodbyes
by Sweetbird
Summary: This is a session report, written as Ryan talking to the grave of her namesake.


Session Report for 2/26/12

"Goodbyes"

The day was pleasant, warm for February, even this late in the month. It was a good day to visit a grave.

The cemetery was a modest one, with small graves that the average family could afford, and as Ryan passed them she made note of the simple inscriptions of love and grief on each granite slab. She didn't stop walking though, not until she reached the one she was looking for. When she did she paid no mind to societal constructs and sat down on the grave, leaning her back against the headstone as she pulled a flask out from the pocket of her oversized jacket. It was filled with something strong. She didn't know what it was. Grace had given it to her last night to sedate her after everything had happened, and she was happy to keep drinking it.

Of course, happy was a relative term.

"Hey Ryan," she said with a sigh after taking a swig, "it's me. Gina… I fucked up. I fucked up good. I fucked up so hard that if you were here you'd be giving me one of those looks. You know, the ones you give me when I've gone and done something stupid and probably irreparable…

"Where do I begin?

"I found out something last night, you know. I found out that we aren't all tortured souls, us freaks I mean. I had a dream, a vision, with some of the other dreamers toward the beginning of the night, before things went all wrong. A new guy. Heh. He was freaked, kept running and Deckard wasn't helping being all ominous… but it was funny. Good thing Wednesday wasn't there, she would have played with the poor idiot and made him freak even more. Grace and I brought him back to everyone else, so at least that went smoothly."

There was a few minutes of silence here. She didn't want to go on, didn't want to say it out loud, but she owed Ryan that much. He deserved to know the truth about everything, about who and what she had become. Had to know that she wasn't going to stop.

"I'm an alcoholic now," she said softly, staring into the flash. She wasn't feeling nearly as drunk as she wanted to be, but she was almost empty. "Since Wednesday died I've been getting worse. When Gunn… heh… well, let's just say that he 'died' so we don't ruin the illusion… after that I started to get worse. Part of it is because I've been spending time at Maeve's, Grace's place. Even before Jim went off and did the stupid fucking shit that brought us to last night.

"Then again, I'm not exactly innocent either… but I'll get to that later.

"Last night I willingly used my curse, that dreaming shit that keeps me up every night. I've done it before, but not often, and not really for anything important. Last night I used it to find Jim. Apparently everyone else that tried to find him failed, but he can't hide from my visions. Don't know why, but he can't. Maybe it's because I'm the most powerful Dreamer in the city now… even if Wednesday were still alive I'd be on the same level with her now.

"I always knew that whole 'protect the Dreamers' thing was full of crap. I almost died three times last night. You know who did the most to protect me?

"Jim. Yeah, the guy everyone was so gun-ho to kill. The one who almost killed me, too, as a matter of fact… but that's ok. I get it. It's the armor. Whatever."

Although she doesn't seem to notice, tears have begun to well, her knuckles already white as she gripped the flask.

"See, he came back to Chicago, was talking about cleansing the city. Here's where you start to get disappointed in me Ryan… I want to cleanse it to. It needs to be purged. This city, this Consilium, it is responsible for everything. For my mom's death, my dad's. For Josh and Tyler. For you… For Wednesday and Gunn, for driving Aster and Ba'al out of the city. And now for Jim. Because if it wasn't so fucked up he wouldn't have been so stupid. He wouldn't have put on the armor and then come back to Chicago.

"Fuck. I met with him, too. When he got back. I was keeping him informed as to who was there, what they were doing. I was all for it at first, when I thought that he could control it. Heh, I think there was even a part of me that didn't care. I just wanted a cleansing.

"That meant the people had to die. People had to die, and Jim with all that pretty armor was the perfect tool."

It was Gina curled up on that grave now, hugging her knees to her chest, her voice breaking as she buried her face in her arms.

"Since when did fate fucking decide that I'm supposed to see the brains of all these people splattered in front of me! That new guy? That pathetic, joint-sucking, fucking _Acanthus?_ I bet you he doesn't have to go through this shit, and he shouldn't. No one should, and unless this city is set right, no one will be spared…"

Gina forced herself to take a deep break and continue going, even though her voice was hardly more than a hoarse whisper.

"Ha. So Jim just strolls right into Consilium, right? Walks right in and Shawn flips a shit. She's pretty cool really, we get along well enough down at HQ. Oh yeah, didn't I tell you… I went ahead and did what I told you I would never do – I joined an Order. Three guesses which one, given my goal is to cleanse the city.

"Anyway, Shawn flips out and draws a gun on Jim and I just… react. Jim is all I have left… all I _had_ left. He was family. I've never been particularly close to Lugh or Bar, even though Bar introduced me to Murphy's. But Jim? He was like a big brother… he reminded me so much of Josh sometimes, you know? Especially with how he was so stupid, thinking he could do everything by himself all the time. Fuckhead.

"But yeah, I stood in Shawn's way. I kinda hope she forgets that bit.

"That altercation didn't last long, because Jim and Mercy are buds and Mercy is Shawn's superior. That, and Jim didn't appear to be wearing the armor… Which is bullshit. I can't be sure, but I think it was Sid. Our new… friend. He's a sylph, some kind of wind-fey-thingy. I finally used that tarot card I got the first day I walked into Consilium, it let me see him for what he was, and man… he has a bunch of fun powers.

"He saved my life later that night, when Jim almost killed me."

She couldn't help but laugh here, but it was a pitiful sound, strangled and somewhat manic.

"Yeah, not too long after that Deck and I walk in on Jim slaughtering Marcy and almost killing Mercy's brother. Of course, then he turns around and almost kills me. If it weren't for Deck healing me right away, and then that wall popping up, I know I would have died. If it weren't for that wall, and then Sid healed him, good as new…

"I wish Sid was there the day you died. You wouldn't have died that day then… maybe you would have become like me, though, and just wished you'd have died.

"Maybe it's best that you died…" she said quietly then, looking up at the sky. "Cuz now you can't see me for what I've become…"

In the light swirl of the scant clouds, she could almost see his face, looking at her with eyes that begged her not to do something stupid. How many times had she seen that look, just smiled at him, and then ignored him? Hadn't she seen it the day he died? The day she'd gotten him killed?

"I tried to follow him anyway, you know. I tried to follow Jim but he wouldn't let me. He threatened to kill me, then when I told him to do it he just tossed me back… he literally fucking threw me, Ryan." She scowled at that, then laughed, but again it was a sound more likely to come out of a wounded animal than a human being. "What a bitch."

"After that I'm not really sure what happened. It all gets a little hazy after that. I remember pointing a gun at someone who had been stupid enough to follow after us when I chased after Jim. He's got two strikes down, that guy. Morg? I dunno. Stupid name for a stupid guy. I hit him, then pointed my guy. He pisses me off one more time and I'll pull the trigger…"

She drew silent again. Stayed that way for a long time. Then she finished off the rest of her flask and shoved it back in the pocket of her oversized jacket. The way she trembled and almost fell over while trying to stand up, even while heavily supporting herself on the headstone belied how drunk she actually was.

"So here we are, what I guess I came to tell you in the first place…" She took a deep breath and forced herself to look down at the headstone, to look straight at his name and it was almost as if she were looking right into his eyes. It hurt about the same.

"You made me promise a long time ago that of all the things I might do, all of the horrible, wretched things that I might become, that I would always draw a line. I would always keep myself from going past the point of no return…

"I'm sorry, but I'm going to have to break that promise to you, Ryan. Because I've already crossed that line, I've already gone far beyond the point of no return, and what I am planning to do next with disgrace me so bad that I'm afraid it will taint your name. So I'm leaving it with you, here and now. I took your name when my old life ended to try to keep me tethered to the real world, to try to keep me grounded like you always used to. But that doesn't suit me anymore.

"I'm going to do something that you will never forgive me for, Ryan, and I'm sorry."

She took a deep breath and stepped back. One last look to the sky, then one last look to the grave.

"So I guess this is goodbye," she said and gave him one last smile, the best she could muster, before she turned and stumbled her way out of the cemetery. She would make it a little ways down the street before calling Shawn or Grace to come pick her up, and when they did, calling her name, coaxing her back into the car, she would comply on one condition.

"Ryan is dead," she says. "Now is not the time for Ryan. Now is the time for deliverance. Now is the time for Redemption." Then she just smiled and before passing out from whatever was given to her she would picture Jim. "Maybe I can't touch Chicago, maybe it's too big. But I can touch you, Jim. Redemption is coming for you Jim. You can run, but you can't hide."


End file.
